The Next Wife.com

The prognosis for second marriages is just this grim. Statistics show that 60 to 75 percent of remarriages will never survive to see their 5th anniversary. It’s as if your second marriage was issued a death sentence even before you said your vows.

As a second wife you bare the brunt of the frustrations associated with trying to blend your new stepfamily. Perhaps that's because, even in these enlightened times, women still tend to carry most of the domestic responsibilities.

You may have had unrealistic expectations of what life as a second wife and stepmother was going to be. Or maybe you just feel more deeply and take situations more personally than your husband does. Regardless of why, you are in survival mode now.

Who will reassure you that the problem is not YOU, but rather the crazy-making situation called remarriage? And when will second wives finally be exonerated for the crime of marrying a man who had been married before?

For too long there have been little, if any, resources available specifically for remarried couples. Marriage advice books abound, but help with the unique challenges of remarriage has been sorely lacking. And empathy for a woman who was not the first to share her husband's name or bed has been all but nonexistent.

Well-meaning friends who have never been married—or have never been divorced—are quick to advise you that you need to rise above your dashed dreams and disappointments about the reality of being the second wife. After all, your new husband married YOU, so that should settle the issue of his past life, right? That sounds good, but these people are blissfully unaware of what a second wife goes through every single day of her remarried life.

However, you are not as alone as you may fear. Remarkably, 95% of divorced persons eventually remarry. That’s a whole lot of remarriages! And a whole lot of families that are trying to blend. But do you cringe whenever you hear how smoothly blending supposedly happens? Have you ever watched an ice cream malt or shake prepared? The mixer whirls at break-neck speeds as it twists the frozen concoction around, infusing the milk to break up the firm texture of the ice cream and crushing the fruit into squashed globs. The former ingredients emerge liquefied, unrecognizable, changed forever. Blended.

Blending is not always pretty. In fact, it usually isn’t. You’ve been reluctant to expose that yours is not the union fairytales are made of. You just keep hoping that no one notices just how challenging your blending process really is.

One mistake a prospective second wife often makes is to believe that her predecessor will somehow just disappear once the nuptials are spoken with her new husband. In fact, the truth is quite the opposite. The first wife may continue to be a part of your life throughout your remarriage, especially when there are children from his first union. And here's the real clincher—this doesn't necessarily change when these children become adults! Graduations, weddings, the birth of shared grandchildren and their subsequent special occasions, all necessitate the gathering of the "original" family.

The continued presence of his ex-wife hovers over you like a menacing cloud. You discover (much to your horror!) that another woman—the same woman who is also the mother of your husband's children—continues to make her presence known in your new home.

She controls from afar, as if she orchestrates your life with a high-powered remote. She insists that you are not her children’s stepmother—just her ex-husband’s second wife—and as such you will be allowed no say over her children. When the kids come for their court-appointed visitations, she has armed them with lists detailing what they are and are not allowed to do while at your house.

Resentment about how divorce destroyed their life continues to build in the children. Since their mom and dad are, well, Mom and Dad, their little hearts can’t bear to blame them. Instead, they fix the blame on the only one in sight who is safe to hate—you.

In a more subtle act of control, she insists on calling your stepchildren every night of their visitation, to give them a phone kiss and tell them how much she misses them. Her intrusion into your new stepfamily only reminds them that being with their dad will always mean being without their mom.

They push the buttons of their guilt-ridden father like a character in a video game. Their antics edge you to the brink of your sanity as you watch helplessly from the sidelines. It’s pathetically obvious to you that he simply can’t take a disciplinary stance with his minor children anymore.

His adult stepchildren are no better. In fact, they make him feel even guiltier for having a life of his own (that is, marrying you) than their younger siblings do. If you didn’t know better, you’d swear that THEY are now the parents and HE is the child. Fat chance they would sit by for one minute and allow him to control their choice in a mate!

He admits that his children don’t treat you right, and even that they blame you for their parents not reconciling. Never mind that you didn’t even know him when he and their mother divorced. But they have heard her declare many times that had you not come into his life, he would have come back to them, post-divorce, and they could have been a family again.

Every woman needs a place to call her own, but if you moved into "her" former home you have denied yourself that most basic necessity. Your husband’s first family lived within those same walls for years, but you naively thought that with a little fresh paint and redecorating, you could make it yours. Too late, you discovered that no amount of remodeling would exorcize his ex-wife's presence from that abode.

You've learned the hard way that marrying a divorced man has come at an outrageously steep price to your self-esteem. Though no amount of money could have tempted you to give so much or to go so far, the hope of everlasting love enticed you to blindly agree to the rules of remarriage and stepparenting. You signed on the bottom line unaware that the fine print could only be read as each disappointing experience unfolded.

You aren't looking for magic potions or even miracles, but you sure could use an understanding ear once in a while! Or perhaps just some reassurance that you're not the only second wife who feels inadequate for the task before her.

It’s easy for a struggling second wife to feel isolated and to lack an objective perspective on her situation. Is it normal to attend church, school functions, holidays, and community social events with your husband's ex-wife? What about socializing with all of his friends from his ex-life? Does anyone else feel as if she’s tripping in the footsteps of the woman who came before her?

Paula Egner knows first-hand what it feels like to be a second wife. As an author and former stepparenting columnist, she exposes the universal perils and triumphs of remarriage. She's compiled experiences from friends and co-workers spanning two decades of "water-cooler counseling" in her book:

The simple knowledge of knowing there are others like you is a critical part of taking control of your life and your circumstances. Many second wives are ashamed of their disappointments about the remarriage, which include not immediately loving their stepchildren. Some are also surprised to discover their growing resentment toward most aspects of their husband’s ex-life.

You may feel as if remarriage has swallowed up YOU. Truly, it’s as if your vows erased who you were, and you began living another woman’s life. There are others who know what you’re going through. As you learn of their struggles, you’ll find renewed strength and a resolve to not only have your remarriage survive, but your self-esteem restored.

Listen to Carole's experience (from Florida) after she read Ex-Wives and Ex-Lives:

Perhaps you are still just contemplating marrying a man who has been married before. There is no better time than the present to prepare for the challenges that lay ahead! You and your fiancé may benefit from reading the book together, and then discussing the scenarios as they apply to your unique situation. Learn from those who have been there and survived. Or even from the mistakes of those whose remarriages succumbed to the grim statistics of failure.

I’ve been the next wife for almost 5 years now. All the bitterness and resentment that I’d let build inside of me (when) dealing with my ex-wife, my adult step-children, my ex-life, did not bubble up and spill over until my husband and I were 2 days away from moving out of state.

At 3:00 a.m. I was up valiantly trying to find some help and understanding on line, when I stumbled upon this e-book. I immediately downloaded it. It validated me in ways I was not being validated, and gave me a new set of house rules.

I think the most important takeaway it’s given me is I no longer will allow the way my husband’s children treat him to bother me. It isn’t easy as I love him with all my heart, but I can no longer allow their behavior to be my problem.

I have been redeemed by your book. I thank you and I'll recommend it to other next wives.

I just received your book, Ex-Wives and Ex-Lives, yesterday. I only wish that I would have found it much sooner! It was so...real and so honest. I feel liberated knowing that I'm not crazy to feel the way I have been, and that I'm not alone.

Your book was so enlightening. This is a must have for every next wife, and the husband as well. Some of the issues you explore in the book are so hard to bring up and discuss with the husband, because of course they all get defensive. But once they hear it from an outside person it's taken more seriously. Thank you so much!